


all i want

by awkward_energy



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Crying, Dreams and Nightmares, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Internal Conflict, No Fluff, One Shot, Toby Smith | Tubbo Misses TommyInnit, Toby Smith | Tubbo Needs a Hug, Toby Smith | Tubbo is Not Okay, Toby Smith | Tubbo-centric, Trauma, no beta we die like Tubbo at the festival, takes place when l'manburg was fully blown up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:27:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29222409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkward_energy/pseuds/awkward_energy
Summary: Tubbo felt a pang of agony strike through his heart as he was in his thoughts at 2:47 in the morning. 'God I miss him…' the boy said in his head, feeling exhausted of all the conflict.Who may he be thinking of, you may ask.Well it was obvious.Tommy.He was thinking of Tommy.---aka tubbo misses tommy. like a lot.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s), Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit
Comments: 4
Kudos: 51





	all i want

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by the song 'All I want' by kodaline, you could listen to it whiel you read if you want.  
> Please tell me if there are any errors or spelling mistakes!

Tubbo felt a pang of agony strike through his heart as he was in his thoughts at 2:47 in the morning. ' _God I miss him…_ ' the boy said in his head, feeling exhausted of all the conflict.

Who may he be thinking of, you may ask.

Well it was obvious.

Tommy.

He was thinking of Tommy.

He thought of Tommy all the time, the younger boy filling up his head every second of the day.

The problem was, he didn't have anything to distract himself from these thoughts, he didn't have anyone to talk to when he heard _his_ voice, replaying their happiest memories together in his head.

Now, Tubbo knew he fucked up exiling Tommy.

He blamed himself, every damn night, telling himself how there could've been other ways to prevent this, how Tommy is probably _furious_ with him for exiling him, how _selfish_ he's been, how bad of a friend he is, how horrible he is, how disappointing he is, how much of a failure he is.

He was the reason Tommy is now dead.

It's all true. Every single insult he's told himself is true. And he knows it.

It's his fault, it's always been your fault.

It's your fault It's your fault It's your fault It's your fault It's your fault It's your fault It's your fault Its your-

The boy felt warm tears fall down his face, soaking the pillow he's laying on.

"Goddammit…" Tubbo scolded himself, closing his eyes as he let the tears slowly fall. He could feel himself slowly fall into a deep sleep, his tears finally coming to a halt.

The last thing he thought of before he was dragged into the darkness in his mind was Tommy.

It's always Tommy.

_Tubbo jumped, he heard loud and frantic knocking at his door. His heart pumped loudly in his chest, he grabbed the pocket knife that was on his nightstand._

_The boy turned on the little lamp, slowly getting up and stepping slowly to the door. He breathed heavily, sweat dripping down his face._

_No one ever visits him, especially this late at night._

_Tubbo grabbed the door handle, and took a deep breath in and out, calming himself down a bit._

_He turned the handle, shoving the knife in the stranger's face, almost close enough to cut the person._

_But this was no stranger. Not at all._

_Tubbo's eyes widened, dropping the knife as he stepped back a bit. The other boy that was standing right in front of him was wide-eyed as well, both of them speechless._

_"T-Tommy?.." Tubbo whispered after a beat of silence._

_The taller boy looks at him, a small smile on his face. Tears started to well up in both of their eyes, the wind getting in through the open door, cold air hitting Tubbo's face._

_Tubbo immediately embraced him in his arms, letting out a sob. Tommy quickly returned the hug, squeezing him tightly._

_They stayed there for a while, as Tubbo was spewing out nonsense, not even understanding what he himself was saying._

_"I-...I thought you died!?" Tubbo exclaimed, sniffling a bit. Tommy let out a small chuckle, as if it was a ridiculous thing to think about._

_Tubbo laughed with him, hugging him tighter as if Tommy was going to vanish._

_"I mean...It is your fault I died. Why would you do that Tubbo?" Tommy suddenly questioned, squeezing the boy tighter, not letting him go. Tubbo felt panic start to bubble up in his stomach, he tried to escape from Tommy's grasp, but he couldn't._

_"Tommy what-"_

_"Why Tubbo? Why why why why why.." Tommy kept repeating, now starting to suffocate Tubbo with his tight embrace._

_"Tommy it hurts please.." Tubbo pleaded, pain flowing in his lungs._

_He had no clue what was going on, where was he? Is he dead? Is this hell? Everything around him felt strange, his vision getting blurrier and blurrier by the second. His head started to hurt as he still thrashed around, trying to let go of Tommy's strong embrace._

_He then let go, looking Tubbo in the eyes._

_"You're the reason why I killed myself."_

_He said, a serious expression on his face._

_And then he vanished._

_He was gone._

_Tubbo stood there, shocked, sad, empty. Emotional._

_He let out a loud sob, his legs wobbling as he felt himself getting weaker and weaker by the second._

_He fell on his knees and a loud piercing shriek escaped from his lips._

_He screamed and screamed and screamed, not even caring if anyone heard him._

_Every emotion poured out right then and there, his whole body shaking with emotion. Everything felt like a mess, his whole life felt like a mess._

_He was sick of it. So sick of it._

_So he let it all out, screaming, crying, breaking everything in his home._

_He couldn't care less about the aftermath._

_Because it was his fault._

_It's always his fault._

"...ubbo? Tubbo are you okay!?"

Tubbo shot up in a panic, looking around to see where he is. His breathing was fast paced, tears flowing down his face rapidly. 

The world was blurry for a while, he had no idea what was happening, where was he? What's going on? Is everything okay? 

As questions surrounded his head, he could see his vision becoming more and more clear every second.

"Tubbo are okay!? Can you hear me!?" A voice in front of him said. He nodded a little, not trusting his own voice to speak at that moment.

He quickly realized that it was Quackity in front of him, hands gripping his shoulders tightly. 

Tubbo looked at him as his vision cleared, the man with a very worried expression on his face. The tears still flowed down his face, the warm droplets soaking his cheeks and neck. His face was red, he felt sick. 

"Tubbo? What happened?" Quackity asked gently, now sitting next to the boy, rubbing his shoulders comfortingly.

"It's my fault big q...it's my fault it's always been my fault...my fault my fault…" he repeated as he sobbed, gripping on Quackity's shirt. He hid his face in the older man's shoulder as he shook in agony, it felt like the world was ending.

Quackity rubbed his back, whispering nothing but kind and soft words in his ear, telling him that everything is okay, that he's safe.

Is it though? Is he safe? He's not so sure anymore.

He's never sure about anything. 

* * *

Tubbo was dreaming again. He doesn't like dreaming anymore. Not after what happened.

It was only a few days after Quackity comforted him about his "dream". It was more so like a nightmare.

He can't sleep anymore. He stays awake, eyes wide open, even when he feels so tired. He'd only sleep for 2-3 hours, but then Quackity or Fundy would wake him up, and he'd have to get to work as quickly as possible.

But this time it was different. Tubbo was working at his desk next to his bed, signing papers and filing folders. Boring old adult stuff.

His eyes felt droopy, it _was_ 4 in the morning anyway so it was very understandable.

Tubbo suddenly felt dizzy, his head swaying back and forward. Panic bubbled up inside of him, but before he could do anything, he dropped down on his desk, and fainted.

Sleep quickly absorbed his tired body, a dream slowly approaching. 

It was, obviously, about Tommy.

But it wasn't your ordinary dream.

It was a memory.

_"The discs don't matter Tommy! How can you not see that!?" Tubbo yelled at Tommy, anger fueling his words. He was sick and tired of everything that he's done, he tried to give Tommy a chance and he threw it away._

_"They don't matter!..." Tubbo said, a bit more quieter and calmer than before. He could see the pain in Tommy's face, how his angry brows turned into sad ones, his eyes starting to water as he stared wide-eyed at the president. He was shaking, they both were._

_"Why- What?..." Tommy stuttered out, confused and betrayed. The sentence repeated in his head over and over again, the person who was fighting alongside him for these discs, doesn't care about them? No...that can't be right…_

_That's what Tommy told himself._

_"If- If you don't have attachment to things...then what's the point...what's the point of any of this?" Tommy exclaimed, wanting to cry. Tubbo's face was stone-cold, he looked at the almost crying boy in the eyes, not letting any emotion take over._

_He knows what would happen if he did._

_He looked away after a while, turning to the masked-man behind him._

_"Dream. Please escort Tommy out of my country."_

_His voice boomed, everyone around being able to hear him. Gasps were heard from behind him, but he didn't let that distract him. If he makes one wrong move, who knows what Dream might do._

_"Tubbo you can't-"_

_"What is wrong with you Tubbo!?-"_

_"...Tubbo?..."_

_Protests were heard behind him, but he didn't turn back, he just nodded at Dream, and the older man started walking towards Tommy._

_Tubbo wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear. He hated everything about this. He wanted to cover his ears, to become deaf to the protest and cries Tommy made as he was being dragged off of the obsidian wall._

_He felt horrible. Disgust, anger, sadness, every single bad emotion swam through his whole body, he just wanted everything to stop._

_He was so tired. So so tired._

_He finally looked back, to see Tommy already on the ground, looking up at Tubbo._

_Those eyes._

_He looked at Tubbo with the most painful eyes he's ever seen._

_And it hurt._

_It hurt so much._

_Tubbo felt like crying right then and there, but he held back the tears, looking at Tommy straight in the eyes._

_"T-...Tubbo?.." He choked out, his brows furrowed in confusion. Tears started streaming down Tommy's face as he kept eye contact with the older boy._

_"It's how it has to be…" He said sternly, he wanted to break the eye contact, to look away from the saddened boy, but he couldn't. "You're a liability, you need to leave now." He continued._

_Tommy was now trembling, even more tears streaming down his face. Tubbo wanted to look away so bad, but he knows that would hurt even more._

_"But you're my friend!..." He exclaimed, voice trembling._

_There was a beat of silence._

_Tubbo couldn't reply, he had no idea how to._

_So he didn't._

_He looked away from the boy, tears starting to form. He blinked them away quickly, not wanting them to show._

_A loud noise was ringing in his ears, he felt his whole world crumbling right in front of him. He couldn't even bother listening to the cries Tommy made as he struggled to escape from Dream's grasp._

_He was zoned out, not listening to whatever Quackity or Fundy was saying to him._

_He really did that._

_He exiled his best friend._

_He didn't even say goodbye._

_Couldn't even look back at him._

  
  


_No wonder everyone calls him a yes man._

_He can now see why._

Tubbo gasped as he awoke from his dream. Or memory per say.

Wet tears stained his pillow, as they streamed down his face rapidly.

His chest heaved, he could barely breathe. Loud sobs escaped from the boy's mouth as he put his hands over his face.

Everything hurt. It hurt like hell.

He missed Tommy.

He missed him so much.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked that! It took me a while to finish this but im very glad I did!   
> Kudos and Comments are appreciated <3  
> Follow me on twitter @alixglume


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